Hunger

I miss having babies. Can you believe that? I mean, really believe it?

If I really stop and think about it, I remember that I hated being pregnant. Being sick non-stop for several months; gagging every time I brushed my teeth; and enduring a pinched nerve that would stop me dead in my tracks several times a day—if I was able to get started at all (and that problem has never completely gone away from me). Joints so loose that I thought I was falling apart; an emotional wreck; feeling heavy; thinking I looked awful all the time. Yeah. I did not like that. Labor was no picnic either—especially my intense dread of labor and delivery; and not just with the first one or two—I was afraid to the point of tears every time. And then a baby that keeps you up all hours of the night; huge, swollen (and leaky) breasts; dirty clothes all the time—not the just baby's, mine too.

Really, it sounds like no fun at all.

But lately I see women with new babies and have a twinge of envy; a little bit of, "Oh, I want one!" And I even see pregnant women and think they look lovely, and miss it—being pregnant. Not the being sick, of course. But the growing of a new life inside me. Feeling a baby move within me; having a little someone to talk to (so I don't just look like I'm talking to myself). And then that sweet, amazing someone who is mine and more incredible than any other being in existence.

It is kind of sad that I didn't appreciate it more when I was going through it. Well, I always appreciated the babies; just not the being pregnant. I don't really blame myself for feeling that way—not at all. I was sick and miserable, and my babies all came in quick succession: eight kids in eleven years—and the last three of those eight (Kaylie, Rachel and Jessica) were born in three years (2001, 2002, 2003). I was pretty worn out, and it really did take years for the pinched nerve to not bother me daily; sometimes it still does sneak up on me.

I do think that now—after a long break—I would appreciate it more. But having a new baby of my own is in my past; I am not having any more. This doesn't really make me feel sad because I can remember all the busy, hard stuff about those little babies, and I don't think I really want to tackle it now, in my dotage. ;-)

But most of all, I love my family; all my kids are amazing and it is so fun to see them grow up. And whoever spread that nasty rumor about teenagers—I don't know what their problem was. Teenagers are terrific! A little willful sometimes, yes; but lots of fun.

So, no; no more babies for me. Just delighting in the family I have. And, I hear that grandchildren are even better than your own kids. Just a few more years from now—like five to eight. Now there's something to look forward to!