The Legend of the Green Jello

As I was tootling around the kitchen this morning I thought I might make some jello to go with dinner. And, naturally, this story came to mind, as it always does when I think about making jello. I posted it on my cookbook blog a couple years ago, but it is a true story, and pretty funny—although Melanie probably tells it better than I do. But here it is anyway:

When I was about eight or nine years old I made Jell-o all by myself for the first time. I'd seen Mom make jello, and I could read and follow instructions—I could do this! I decided to make lime jello to have with dinner but . . . it didn't turn out right. That's putting it nicely.

I had boiled the water and stirred in the powder—all according to instructions—but how are you supposed to know when the gelatin is completely dissolved? I stirred it for a long time, and then decided it must be OK; so I added the cold water, mixed it, and poured it into a 9 x 13 Pyrex pan to set up in the fridge. Well, it didn't set up as fast as I thought it should, so we had it for dessert instead of with dinner. By then it looked soft but maybe kind of set a little bit.

It turns out the gelatin wasn't completely dissolved, so at dinner-time we had a green (have you noticed that Jell-o colors aren't really found in nature—at least not in foods?) 1/4-inch layer of gritty, rubbery stuff on the bottom and a green layer of slimy, syrupy goo over the top of that. (Yum!) To save my feelings, my family heroically ate it anyway.

Even I could tell it wasn't good, but finally Mark (about 7-8 years older than me) said, "Mmmm! This is really good!" That heart-felt statement did Melanie in (she's 5 years older than me). She started laughing and inhaled some of her tasty treat. As she coughed and gasped, Mom, who has a little tendency to over-react, started saying things like, "She's choking!!" (to the family, in general) "Put your arms up!" (to Melanie) "Slap her on the back!" (to Dad), and a lot of other similar stuff, which made my poor sister laugh even harder, while I watched the whole scenario from the sidelines with some alarm. Finally, just as Melanie was starting to regain control Mom yelled, "Orlin! Take her outside and squirt her with the hose!!" At that, Melanie nearly died from laughing—and breathing Jello—and so prolonged both her agony and my mom's.

Since you want to avoid this kind of trauma in your family, heed the moral of this story: Make sure you completely dissolve your gelatin before adding the cold water!